Anxieties of a New Author

cutcaster-photo-100327673-Nervous-Woman-Chewing-on-a-Pencil

  • What if my book totally bombs?
  • What if I become so famous I lose sight of what’s important in life? (Ha!)
  • What if my family feels obligated to buy the book?
  • What if they don’t?
  • What if nobody shows up to my book reading? Or worse, what if only one person shows up and he/she sees that nobody else came?
  • While reading: Is my voice shaking? Are my pit stains spreading? Have I breathed even once since I started? Am I going to pass out right here in front of all these people? Might I puke?
  • When the price of my book dropped $2.50 only twenty-four hours after its release on Amazon: It’s been out a day and it’s already in the discount bin? What was Amazon thinking? “Well, these babies aren’t going anywhere fast– we better get them moving.” Or, “Fifteen dollars? Heh. Don’t flatter yourself, Author.”
  • When the price of my book jumped a dollar: Great. I guess sales have dropped and Amazon figures they have to charge more if they want to make any money on me.
  • I need more Facebook likes.
  • I need more Twitter followers. Maybe I should tweet at some celebrities and hope for a retweet. I spend an hour stalking celebrities and finally tweet at Ricky Gervais. My thoughts immediately begin to sound like a social media version of the Verizon Wireless commercials. “Did he retweet me now? Did he retweet me now?” Spoiler alert: He never retweeted me. 
  • Can my Amazon ranking BE any lower?
  • Okay, NOW can my Amazon ranking be any lower?
  • What am I going to do with all this book merchandise I impulsively bought from Vistaprint? Really, Alena? An, I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO PEE IN THE OCEAN tote bag? Your Chinese food take-out places gives tote bags away for free. Did you really need to buy one with your book cover on it for $14?
  • Oh good Lord– Is that a flaw on the book cover? Phew, just a poppy seed.

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*A portion of I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO PEE IN THE OCEAN book sales this week will benefit LOVE146, a nonprofit organization that works to end child trafficking.

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19 thoughts on “Anxieties of a New Author

  1. At least your book is published. That’s my ultimate goal and I don’t care what happens after that. (Hah! Of course I’d care.) For now though I’ll just fret about getting it published. Love your blog.

  2. The professor says no, no, no, you have it all in hand dadblameit more than you know! Stay or get Punchyish and everything else will most definitely fall into place over and over again. It’s the only permanent way!

  3. How could a book that has the word “pee” in the title fail?? In fact, I heard a rumor some very popular books were given these new titles: 50 Shades of Pee, Pee Before You, Gone With The Pee, The Good Pee, and Pride and Pee.

  4. I think you’re awesome and I’ve got a pretty decent track record of falling in love with authors and then they get all popular and hardback books and then I get grumpy. I don’t know if that helps or not.

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