The Fantasy Football Team Name Christening


It’s one o’clock in the afternoon on a Monday and all I have to show for my day are seven potential fantasy football team names. I’m oddly satisfied with this level of productivity.

I don’t know anything about football– how to throw one, the rules of the game, or why the players are so big yet wear such tight shiny pants. And I’m not understating my knowledge deficit.

During my first stab at fantasy football two years ago, I was lucky enough to win the third draft pick. Logically speaking, my team was sure to land the third best player in the league. Logically speaking.

As the draft began, I sat on the edge of my couch, bent over my laptop, the glow of its screen alighting my widened eyes. I trembled with excitement. I studied the computer face with such focus, I hardly blinked as the first and second girls selected their players. Then it was my turn. The minute and a half allocated for my pick ticked away, and I scrolled like mad through the list of remaining players. With only two plucked from the pool, the caliber ceiling for my choice was almost limitless. Finally I spotted a name I recognized. Peyton Manning. My heart raced. I thought, “Judas Priest, nobody picked Peyton Manning yet? They must be even more clueless than I am. What luck!” And I snatched him up before my timer fell under a minute, completely ignorant to the little red “O” beside his name that marked Mr. Manning out for the season with an injury that apparently everybody knew about, although I only have definitive proof of cognizance for the first two draft pickers in my league.

At the time, I was so psyched about my good fortune in scoring Manning that I called out to my husband. “Phil! Guess what! I got Peyton Manning!!” And with foolishness to match my own, he ran over for a high five.

My favorite part of football season begins and ends in late August, when I name my fantasy football team. I may not understand why players are called Running Backs when everybody on the field appears to move forward but, word plays? Those I get. And since fantasy leagues are one of those rare organizations that not only respect puns, but prize them, I put at least 70% of my all into christening my team for the season.

I was reluctant to let go of The Heisman Trophy Wife (appropriate because I got married that year) and The Baltimort Ravenclaws (appropriate because Harry Potter is awesome every year). But I have to admit I’m a little excited to take on one of the names brainstormed this morning:

  • The Rams-slide Will Bring You Down
  • The Arizona Cardinal Sins
  • The Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • The Harvins & the McCoys
  • What You Talkin Bout, Patrick Willis?
  • The Lions and Titans and Bears

And, what I think is my favorite:

  • B-b-b-Bengals and The Jets

Feel free to offer your vote and maybe, just maybe, you’ll take part in christening some random fantasy football team out there that probably won’t even win. Exciting, no?


5 thoughts on “The Fantasy Football Team Name Christening

  1. HA! B-b-b-b-Bengals and The Jets! Ha! That one killed me reminded me of scene in that movie 27 dresses. But I also love Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark. You cracked me up with your Manning pick, although I know I shouldn’t laugh, but it was a pretty good story 🙂 Good luck this season.

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