Wax Off


Last week a salon staff member stood outside her new facility and handed me a card for a free wax, completely unaware that this promotion would send me into a spiral of self examination.

I had to ask myself the crucial question. What do I value more: a deal, or a pain-free existence?

Deals, glorious deals. They are the kerosene that inflames my sparks of satisfaction into a mystifying inferno. A solid Groupon purchase puts a bounce in my step. When we earn enough movie theater points for a free popcorn, I waive that ticket around like it has the winning lotto numbers. As we enjoy our favorite lunch special, I meditate on how the exact same amount of food costs twice the price at dinner, and my eyes turn into those of a cartoon character hit over the head, spinning like slot machine windows until finally landing on dollar signs.

And so I happily accepted the free wax card. In fact, it made my day. A wax? For free? Hot dog!

Here’s my dilemma– I had no interest in being waxed.

There were three options listed on the card. Eyebrow, armpit, and (gulp) bikini. Eyebrow waxes are standard fare, and I would have opted for that except mine don’t qualify. When I was thirteen, my mother took pity on the awkward adolescence festering before her. There wasn’t much she could do about my slow metabolism or extensive orthodontic work, but the triangles that capped my eyebrows? Those clown brows? Well, there was electrolysis for that. I hope the technology for permanent hair removal has improved in the last fifteen years but, at the time, it entailed inserting a needle into each follicle individually and, I think– I think –-electrocuting little pieces of me into submission. Suffice it to say, I didn’t complete the procedure, and I’m fairly certain the whole operation was a long con of my mother’s to teach me to just appreciate the body nature gave me. In the end, most of the hairs in my unwanted triangles were zapped to oblivion, and the rest took one look at what happened to their neighbors and jumped.

If there is a routine that sounds more barbaric to me than electrolysis, it’s waxing. If only because that equally savage method of hair obliteration is only temporary.

But the salon’s website listed armpit and bikini waxes as worth $18 and $25 respectively. Not taking advantage of either FREE service would essentially be turning down twenty bucks.

I contemplated my situation for several days (there wasn’t much going on that weekend). To wax or not to wax? Was I really so financially comfortable that I could turn my nose up at that value? On the other hand, was I really so financially uncomfortable that I could endure the violent ripping of hair from skin, just because it carried value?

The matter was ultimately settled by the following hypothetical:

If a stranger on the street offered to give me twenty dollars if he or she could punch me in the face, am I so cheap that I would present my cheek for twenty measly dollars?

No, I finally concluded. Not for twenty dollars. For forty maybe, but not for twenty.


16 thoughts on “Wax Off

  1. I must say, this kind’ve cracked me up. I remember once there was a “two for one” eyebrow waxing sale on at the salon my mother goes to, so she asked me if I wanted to go with her and get mine done for free. It was a resounding, “Are you f*cking kidding me?”
    I’m not one for the ripping of hair from flesh, no matter the value. lol

  2. Lol this was funny and interesting… I would however argue your comparison at the end though,… does this punch from the stranger improve your facial features in anyway? If it was some kind of a magical punch that slightly improved my facial features (in my view or otherwise), I guess I wouldn’t mind getting this “magical” punch while at the same time receiving $20!

    I’m not saying waxing is magical or anything… it’s just that I’m giving you another perspective.. 🙂

  3. Sigh, the life of us women! I say prayers before every encounter. And my ‘bikini assassin’ is hilarious, I’ve even stopped being embarrassed when she orders me to ‘spread cheeks’ *slaps forehead* lol

  4. I love this!

    Waxing is definitely not for everyone. I had a horror story for my eyebrow waxer and she told me she’d give me a free Brazilian if I wrote about it. $60 of free service in exchange for blogging gold? I had to do it. It wasn’t THAT bad and definitely got easier down the road. Waxing is suuuch a scary topic we even have an article about it over at The Indie Chicks http://theindiechicks.com/lifestyle/fun/my-lips-are-sealed-brazilian-waxing-nightmares/

    Personally, I decided I hated hair more than I hated pain so I went ahead and started getting mine laser removed. You want to talk about pain? OUCH. I think I’d prefer to be punched in the face at this point!

  5. Funny commentary on waxing! Wax on, wax off (that used to be the commercial slogan for Pledge, I believe……showing my age here). Anyway – if you live in the Antarctic where there is no need for hairlessness, you’re golden……bet they don’t have wax salons there!

  6. LOL, love your chain of reasoning at the end!

    However, mine goes like this: “Is approximately 8 total seconds of pain worth a month of smooth legs/pits without having to worry about shaving every 3 days and the subsequent razor burn?”

    Yep. I’m a convert. Or maybe I’ve just turned Brazilian 😉

  7. I know nothing about waxes, but I sortve understand your dilemma. When I signed up for my gym, I had to debate whether or not to accept the free training session. I like free things, my dads cheap, but I didn’t need the judgemental, embarassing examnination by a stranger. So, I passed. Great post,very funny.

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