Those Aren’t My Jarred Feces: And Other Things Said In The Texas Senate

tampons

“The Texas Senate barred women from bringing feminine hygiene products into the Senate Chambers Friday…. The decision was made because feminine hygiene products could be thrown at lawmakers…. The DPS added that the inspections [of bags] have turned up ‘one jar suspected to contain urine [and] 18 jars suspected to contain feces.'” — Global Post

The silliness of declaring tampons contraband while welcoming concealed guns has already been discussed, so much so that the tampon ban was retracted within the same afternoon. What I want to focus on is the second half of the above paragraph. The part about multiple citizens of the United States– up to nineteen, in fact– who attempted to smuggle jars of feces and urine into the Senate Chambers.

What is most impressive to me is that, at one point, these people must have realized their bags were to be inspected and, instead of ditching their waste containers in the nearest trash receptacle to avoid public shame, or turning around and bolting with their jars in tow, these brave nincompoopers did not change course. They proceeded with their plan. They faced those inspectors knowing full well they had jars of their own crap tucked in their bags beside their wallets and car keys, and were about to be found out.

Which makes me wonder how many more people arrived at the senate on Friday with jars of their feces, and did chicken out, tossing away their crocks of shit and continuing in line with a casual whistle.

Also, is anyone else surprised by the poop to pee ratio? 18 to 1? Really? That’s bold. It should be said that with all the bodily fluids meant to be hurled at lawmakers last Friday, those senators could have used a tampon or two tossed in the mix.

Anyway, back to the men and women who didn’t back down….

Here is how I imagine the conversation went when a bag inspector lifted a jar of poo from a citizen’s purse:

Inspector: What is this?

Citizen: What is what?

Inspector: This warm jar I’m holding. Look me in the eye and tell me– What is it?

Citizen: I really don’t know.

Inspector: I said look me in the eye!

Citizen: I really don’t know.

Inspector: Oh you don’t know? You don’t know? Do you often carry around jars of mysterious substances?

Citizen: No, just this one time.

Inspector: This is feces.

Citizen: Well it isn’t mine.

Inspector: These aren’t your jarred feces?

Citizen: No, those aren’t my jarred feces.

Inspector: So you are carrying around a jar of somebody else’s feces?

Citizen: I guess so. I’m not sure how that got there.

Inspector: So somebody slipped this bulky jar of poo inside your bag without you noticing?

Citizen: It’s possible.

Inspector: No it is not possible. Tell me the truth. Were you planning on slinging feces at a senator?

Citizen: No.

Inspector: You were either planning on throwing this entire jar of feces at a senator, glass and all, which would be extremely dangerous, or you were planning on scooping and slinging. So, which is it?

Citizen: (embarrassed) Scooping and slinging.

Inspector: That’s right. Scooping and slinging. Get out of my line. Next!

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3 thoughts on “Those Aren’t My Jarred Feces: And Other Things Said In The Texas Senate

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