Doctors had dreams too. That’s what I learned this weekend. They were once children with big, outlandish hopes who shouted things like, “I’m going to be an astronaut!” or, “When I grow up, I want to be cowboy rockstar!” But since we all can’t be Kid Rock, and since some parents insist on a practical education (luckily not mine– three cheers for an English degree!), these people stashed away their extravagant ambitions and begrudgingly earned their medical licenses.
Still, these fantasies live on in the depths of doctors’ subconscious, and sometimes reveal themselves through their practices.
Like my father’s doctor who harbors regrets of never becoming a game show host:
“Your blood results are in, and your lipid levels are….
….. drum roll please ….
….. tension building to an almost unbearable climax ….
He waits for his inner audience applause to subside before continuing.
“Moving on. I have your platelet count here. And it looks like that is…..
Then there was my pediatrician who missed her chance to be one of those actresses that play cheesy Lifetime movie roles, like the counselor who intervenes to save the self-esteem of the young protagonist:
“Do you think you are fat? Do kids at school tell you that you are fat? Tell me, just tell me. Does your mother tell you that you are fat? Look at me. Do you hate yourself when you eat? Or when you are out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs? Because if you think you are fat, you are not. You are beautiful, and you should love yourself, dammit! Come on, let’s hug it out.”
But my favorite is the gynecologist who dreamed of being a horse race announcer:
Spoken in rapid succession taking minimal breaths: “Your feet are in the stirrups, I have my materials, and we’re off. The speculum is first. Prepare for some pressure, here comes the pressure, there’s the pressure, and everything looks normal. That was a good start, and we’re a third through now. Next comes the swab, following up the length of the speculum. You’re going to feel a pinch, there’s the pinch, and it’s done. We’re into the last stretch here, and so far so good. Last up is the finger. I’m going to insert, it’s going in, and it’s in. There’s the cervix, and it’s fine. There are the ovaries, and they’re good. There’s the uterus, and it’s normal. And that’s it! We’re done. It’s all over, folks.”
What a day for an exam, ladies and gentlemen, and what an exam it was.