Above all else, I’m an expert procrastinator. I’m the Macgyver of procrastination. I can take any random object or idea, use it to escape from my work and, with just a little ingenuity, morph it into hours of dead space in my day. I’m really very good.
I named this blog The Time is Write as an answer to all my excuses. “I haven’t cleaned the apartment in a while” or “Maybe I should finally hang that wall painting. Where is that hammer?” or “I haven’t clicked through every single photo of my high school friend’s honeymoon yet.” No, no, no. The time is write.
I manage to convince myself that, in order to write successfully, all the stars must be properly aligned; I can only produce in the most ideal conditions: There has to be a block of at least two hours, with the capability of writing for at least three days in a row (because otherwise my juices would get flowing only to be clogged again). Like a high maintenance celebrity in her dressing room, I demand freshly brewed coffee, internet access, good lighting, and enough–but not too much–food. Well, this just isn’t acceptable. If J.K. Rowling could scribble the first Harry Potter book on napkins during her cigarette breaks, I can probably manage to get out a paragraph even if my lap top screen has glare.
I’m going to take the opportunity here to name all of my favorite procrastination techniques–the tools of the trade–my weapons of less production. Maybe if I name them in a public forum, I’ll be too guilty and embarrassed to use them so casually in the future. Or maybe once I tell you, I’ll have to kill you. Let’s find out, shall we?
- Facebook newsfeed scrolling
- Yahoo inbox refreshing. And refresh again. Still no mail? Refresh again.
- Reading (it’s essential, yes. But not as essential as I sometimes claim it to be. As in: “Are you going to write today?” “Um, excuse me but reading is the greatest teacher.” “Okay, but you’ve been reading for four days straight.” “Well I don’t see an MFA degree lodged somewhere in your bookshelf.” All right I would never say the last one. Only think it.)
- Cooking (usually big vats of soup until I run out of freezer space and we’re eating pasta e fagioli three meals a day)
- Cleaning (when I’m really desperate)
- Online shopping (not buying. What’s the virtual version of window shopping? Screen shopping?)
- Online shopping… and buying (I usually have my birthday and Christmas gifts done the season before)
- Browsing through yahoo articles (Don’t you want to learn about the loneliest cities in the world and tricky job interview questions?)
- Selecting houses I can’t afford on homes.com
- Whimpering over puppies I wish I could adopt on petfinder.com (I really don’t recommend this one. Unless you’re prepared to save an army of adorable yet abandoned canines, it’ll just depress you)
- Printing out photographs, sorting, and inserting into albums (this easily killed two days)
- Watching Ellen Degeneres video clips
- Working out (When I’m exercising because I don’t want to work, I know I’ve hit rock bottom)
- And now…. blogging!
Wait a second! The point of the blog was to help…. Ah, crap.