“An Italian perfume maker was commissioned to create the pope’s cologne. The exact formula is top secret but it’s rumored to have hints of lime, verbena and grass — reflecting the pontiff’s love of nature.” –NPR

To the Newly Appointed Suffragan of Scents,

Our Gregorian chant-a-gramers reported that they reached you at home last night to commission you to this venerable position. So, now you know. The Vicar of Christ, the Supreme Pontiff, the Successor of St. Peter—The Pope—thinks he smells. And, as his Prime Minisniffer, I must agree. His Holiness is getting a bit…. stale. Like a Barberini Gospel, am I right? Anyway, we’ve collectively determined that his God-given odor falls short of capturing the outdoorsy essence of his character (no offense to The Big Guy), and this must be remedied.

Just so we are clear, the Governor of the World has a very specific vision for his signature fragrance. You are just the alchemist, not the artist. If you were thinking something tropical like coconut or pineapple, just forget it. You wouldn’t find the Master Pastor lying poolside listening to Jimmy Buffet, so why would he smell like a piña colada? We want an aroma reminiscent of foliage. An olfactic symphony of leaves and flowers, with a subtle note of citrus. An eau de Tree of Life, without the stink of sin.

As for the bottling design, the papal command is a golden mitre, the taller the better.  We are looking for ornate, but a natural ornate. Think Renaissance man meets pastoral poet. And no head, just the really tall hat.

Now for the name. We aren’t interested in anything cutesy like Holy Toilet Water, Very Vatican, or Pope-pourri. We’re thinking something elegant, like Papa. No, scratch that. Benedict. Simple, classy, sophisticated. It’s righteous.

Well, there’s nothing left to say but welcome to the Cologne Council. Oh, and if you mess this up, there will be Hell to pay.

Sincerely His,

Servant of the servant of God’s Prime Minisniffer