Finding Myself On Buzzfeed

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We’ve learned so much in 2014. We learned that Russia has a city that sounds like the name of a blonde telepathic waitress and vampire lover. We learned that Patrick Stewart is gay, and then we learned he isn’t. We learned that Ron and Hermione need marriage counseling, and we’re heartbroken about it. We learned that Alec Baldwin has feelings too. But most importantly, we’ve learned about ourselves.

Take me, for example. Before 2014, I never knew I should live in West Virginia, or that if I were reincarnated as a dog, I’d be a Corgi. I never knew if I fell asleep and woke up in King’s Landing, it would be as Arya Stark. These are critical, life-altering lessons that deserve to be shared with my 508 Facebook friends, both so that they can see me for who I truly am, and so they have the opportunity to become acquainted with themselves for the very first time. The shadowy corners of my identity that before were dark, are now lit with blinding fluorescent bulbs.

Remember back when there was no clear way to determine which member of Destiny’s Child you are? (I might have Beyonce’s booty, but I have Kelly’s quiet sparkle. So, who am I? Keyonce? Belly??) Remember when you spent hours wracking your brain over which European city you should live in? When you wondered which Thanksgiving fixing best represents the essence of you? (Cranberry sauce?? Am I cranberry sauce??) Remember when nobody could tell if you most closely resemble Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, Joey or–god forbid– Gunther?

Maybe you don’t remember. Maybe you’ve repressed the chilling realities of before Buzzfeed. Allow me to reminisce. Before, when we were met with existential questions like, “What Muppet are you?”, we couldn’t simply choose a song, a facial expression, a board game, a pizza topping, a baby’s face, and click! Answer: You’re Animal. And all doubts were quelled. No, we struggled. We conducted surveys. We receded into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. We fasted. We meditated. We climbed mountains and sought counsel with monks. It was the only choice we had. Do you think Gandhi knew which Charlie Chaplin character he was? No. He could wager a guess, ask his friends, but he’d never know for sure. You could never know for sure.

But now we know. All Buzzfeed needs are a few significant bits of information– your favorite movie, fast food joint, word, color, and weekend activity– and it can see through the screen and into your heart. It takes your uncertainty into its omniscient arms and whispers: Don’t worry, you’d win the Hunger Games.

The difficulties of self-discovery are over. You find yourself on Buzzfeed.

Now that I am equipped with this new insight, I can more accurately and more confidently enter into situations. I know that since I’m a Corgi, I couldn’t take a German Shepherd on my own, but would be fine with the help of my direwolf, although things are awkward with him since the pet I should REALLY have is a monkey, which might be a problem since I should be moving to London to be an athlete. But who am I to question the great all-powerful Buzzfeed? I’m going to be an athlete!

Here I come, Sookie!

Alena Dillon is the author of the humor collection I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean.

120 thoughts on “Finding Myself On Buzzfeed

    • Buzzfeed’s reasoning behind WV is that I’m a pessimistic and cynical person. I’m not sure how they concluded that from my selection of Sbarro and blue, or why they think WV is suitable for cynicism, but there it is.

      • lol…I don’t know either. Maybe you have to be pessimistic and cynical to move there on purpose ;) Whatever it is, it serves you well in writing your blog. Never fails to brighten my day Thanks :D

  1. This is hysterical and perfect. And I have the authority to say something like that because my “which celebrity couple are you?” quiz results revealed that my husband and I are the Obama’s. So much power!

    Seriously though, love this!

  2. My goodness, this inspires me to write. I am endlessly busy with 3 boys below 5 etc. etc. etc. and I don’t prioritize my blog, but every now and then a post saddens me that I don’t practice my craft more (my last post was on vacation). I loved this. Somewhere in the 2nd paragraph I caught wind of where you were going with this and started a smile that lasted to the end. Your clever wit and understated cynicism results in a drily humorous summary of the Buzzfeed phenom (and I use that loosely) that was totally worth 3 minutes of my time. Thanks. I will be checking out more of your work. Kind regards, from Mary, Mother of Jesus (biblical heroines) and Q (StarTrek) [so I'm told :)]

  3. Genius. (Both you & BuzzFeed). I never believed the powers and knowledge it held until I took the “What state do you belong in?” – You can imagine my shock when it gave me the state I live in. It had nothing to do with offering up fast food chains that are relevant to my location or anything. It just knooowws. I think I’m going to quit my job and find my true destiny. BuzzFeed will tell me which direction to go, of that I’m confident.

    This is pure awesomeness & hilarity all wrapped into one wonderfully spoken post. Love it!

  4. Can I just say, BWAHAHAHAHA!! Man, we are idiots… And there I was, feeling so enlightened that I am Ross, also sushi, Cinderella, and that all 3 of me SHOULD be living in Texas… just left Houston in 2008… shows what I know…

      • Bless! Poor you… something is seriously wrong with that – as I recall he was almost completely devoid of a sense of humor. Either their matrix is warped, or you have big thumbs or a dodgy mouse. Because you, my dear, are no Gunther! Thanks for the giggle.

  5. WV? Really? Having lived there (for my senior year of high school, ugh), I can say with certainty that you probably do not want to actually live there. It’s SUPER boring, and man, I couldn’t understand half of what people said there. (one kid I was never able to decipher. My So. Cal. accent seemed just as confusing to him…we mutually decided that trying to ask questions related to the assignment was a waste of time. It mostly consisted of “huh?” “sorry?” and “what? I don’t understand you…say that again?” )

    Oddly enough, my parents still live there, and they think it’s great. Maybe, if you like hunting, hiking and other outdoor stuffs…me? Not so much. I detest bugs, and dirt, and those horrible, ginormous spiders! They are freakin’ everywhere in WV.

  6. Very funny. And back in the dark ages we had magazines (remember paper?) where you could answer multiple choice questions and find out what sort of person you were if you got mostly As, Bs, Cs etc

  7. What kind of person does it make me if I actively avoid answering these quizzes? I really like your commentary on Buzzfeed and how it penetrates most of our lives. Keep up the interesting writing!

  8. There is so much to explore on Buzzfeed, and a whole world. Who needs introspection when you have a quiz to tell you who you are?
    Personally, I am supposed to live in London, and in Rennaissance Italy. I suppose I’ll just have to move from California, and then time travel between my true homes according to Buzzfeed quizzes.

  9. Pingback: Shared from WordPress | GeekeryG

  10. I have recently discovered BuzzFeed… I haven’t quite given in to it yet… I’m not sure I’m ready to discover what my life would be like if I knew I was supposed to live in Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa and be a wise-cracking potions master at Hogwarts.

  11. Reblogged this on Today…is someday and commented:
    Its unfortunate my best friend doesn’t have a wordpress because Buzzfeed is her new go to personality Bible. And I can’t say its not the most entertaining links I get all day. This was great… now to find out if I have Kelly’s quiet sparkle….

  12. Love your voice and style! Very personal can’t wait to read more (and seriously Arya Stark is fantastic and would definitely win in the Hunger Games)

  13. While I try to steer clear of those little quizzes, curiosity has gotten the best of me a few times. I guess I should pack my bags, bid farewell to Florida, and head to New York. After all, according to my test results, that is where I really should be living. Great post! Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! :)

  14. We surely did have a Gunther in the group and to top it all he was an owner of a coffee place. What are the odds? Good one. I might have cracked at one too many places.

  15. I think you’d be great company at a tea party! The world needs a hell of a lot more smart-funny and your IT. Thank you for making me smile before lights out. I will dream back to a time when I used to be funny then wakeup and laugh at my socks. Thank you for sharing your humor it is truly a gift not to be wasted.
    AnnMarie
    newbie blogger and former, semi-funny person

  16. So funny! I have to come clean and admit something…..Sometimes when Buzzfeed tells me who I am, I don’t like the answer. So, I take the quiz over and over again until I can be someone I like. I mean, on the Friends Quiz, why be Ugly Naked Guy when, with a few clicks of the mouse, I can be Rachel? Forgive me Buzzfeed, for I have sinned.

  17. I was thinking of writing about how much I hate all of those quizzes popping up on my facebook feed. What you did is far more brilliant than anything that would have come from me. Well done!

  18. I like it! Sad thing is…. so many people conform to all those silly things and really don’t know who they are once they strip it all away. I wonder whats lost and who is really authentic.

  19. Hahaha! My fave part was the fact that you have “Kelly’s quiet sparkle”. Love it, though I always feel bad for Michelle. She is like Miranda from Sex and the City…nobody wants to be the “Michelle” or “Miranda” of the group.

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