This is what it feels like to read some call for submissions. Or job postings. Or scholarship or grant descriptions.
Association of Astrological Writers and “Readers”
An award is given annually for a book released during a full moon in March of 2013 whose theme reflects one of the four Zodiac elements. Cardinal signs encouraged to apply. Scorpios? Get real. Submissions must be received psychically during the autumn equinox.
Literary Mechanics Unite
Two prizes of $1,000 will be given to owners of a blue 2003 Buick Lesabre whose fiction or nonfiction submissions of 1,234 words contain the phrase, “Ladies, start your engines.” Entry fee is $30, but that includes a 10% discount off your next oil change. (PS. To those owners of blue 2003 Buick Lesabres– your lights are on.)
Global Heritage Foundation
A prize of $500 is given once a decade to a writer whose ancestry can be traced to all seven continents. Yes, I’m talking about you, Abanu Hernandez.
Christine Literature Center
A grant of $20 is given annually to Christines with a Ch. Writers named Kristine, Kristin, Kiersten, or Kristina need not apply. You can cheep your K and shove it in a cheyhole while playing a chazoo.
Gomez Fan Club
A prize of $1,000 and publication by Sserp Smadda is awarded every Halloween to horror comedy writers who can sing the Addams Family theme song backwards. Deadline for submissions was last Wednesday.
The Bi-Board of Trustees
Awards are given biannually to bilingual bisexual bicyclists living in a bicultural region. For writers who are currently in a biracial relationship with a bigot biologist (or were within the past month), please indicate as much in your query.
The Midwest Spiritually Struggling Writers Foundation
Publication is given annually to a Wisconsin native who currently lives in Missouri and was raised Baptist but is now not really practicing– not because he/she is an atheist per se but because he/she doesn’t know how to rationalize a God that could allow bad things to happen to good people. Strong preference will be given to a former Wisconsin Baptist writer who has visited a temple, synagogue, mosque, or music festival in the past year, just to see what it’s all about.
Association Founded By Satirius Frank Mockingbird III’s Father
An award of partial ownership of the family Myrtle Beach timeshare and lifelong guilt will be given to writers by the name of Satirius Frank Mockingbird III. Eligible writers must occupy a bedroom in my house. And keep it tidy, Satirius.
The Mayor and Minister of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska Alliance
A reading at Beaver Crossing Community Library will be awarded to the writer who has resided in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska for more than six years (but not exceeding seven years). Writer must have on-call availability.
The BP Good PR Campaign Grant
An award of $10,000 and publication by B & P Books will be given to a writer whose manuscript portrays the multinational oil and gas company as the essential hero in an effort that saves the nation and its citizens. Animal rescue would be a bonus, but is not required (we aren’t looking for fantasy, after all).
Want to give the gift of laughter this holiday season? Look no further than I Thought We Agreed to Pee in the Ocean. It’s the perfect book for your sister, cousin, neighbor or cleaning lady.
Hey, if I don’t plug my book, who will?