WILLIAMSBURG, NY– After extensive observations, a team of pants experts concluded that the legs of a young professional in Brooklyn were not covered by skinny jeans, but by a new form of purple skin.
The subject was monitored in his own environment: scribbling in his moleskin journal at local cafes, rolling cigarettes on his front steps, rehearsing with his band The Plastic Noodle, chugging Pabst Blue Ribbon, well, everywhere. And in all of these settings, it is reported that the purple exterior did not behave as fabric, but as an extension of the man’s epidermis.
“The material did not flutter in the wind, no matter how gusty. And you could see the outline of his… parts… beneath the so-called fibers. That just shouldn’t happen with pants. It just shouldn’t happen,” said the lead expert, a man who’s been wearing pants for years.
When briefed on the study, the subject’s mother responded, “He’s in a band? But he doesn’t even play an instrument.”
The research team has its theories to explain the skin development. “We believe the new skin could be an evolutionary augmentation– a gene mutation that is proving advantageous to the hipster species, as it allows an individual to purchase fewer pants, therein supporting the fiction that he’s impoverished.”
When asked why this new skin is purple, the jean scientist shrugged and said, “If your flannel shirts were that tight, your legs would be purple too.”
Of course, their theory has not yet been tested, and although the team feels confident, they recognize a potential for error.
“If, against all odds, he truly is wearing pants, he’s in trouble. The barista accidentally poured whole milk into his latte this morning, and pants just aren’t as forgiving as skin. We may be looking at what we in the business call a classic seam-opening situation, or S.O.S. And based on the thickness of the subject’s beard…. well, it could get hairy.”